Setting the Mouth on Fire

I went to the supermarket this afternoon and the guy behind me bought only 2 items. They were:
1. A packet of Wrigleys strong mint chewing gum
2. A packet of Dunhill cigarettes

I kept thinking that this was such an interesting combination. If he needs the gum to kill the smell of the cigarettes after he smokes, which one is actually more essential? But if you really think about it, cigarettes and chewing gum arnt really the most essential of items anyway.

Punctuation 'R' Easy

Re-read a Dave Barry book i had, and thats the title of this particular column. Also edited the thing to save space. Dedicated to people who need some humour to forget the stress of exams and assignments.

Q. What are the rules regarding capital letters?
A. Capital letters are used in 3 grammatical situations.
1. At the beginning of proper and formal nouns. Examples: Capitalise "Queen", "Tea Party," and "Rental Tuxedo". DO NOT capitalise "dude", "cha-cha," or "boogerhead".
2. To indicate a situation of great military importance. Example: "Get on the TELSAT and tell STAFCON that COMWIMP wants some BBQ ASAP".
3. To indicate that the subject of the sentence has been bitten by a badger. Example: "I'll just stick my hand in here and OUCH!".

Q. Please explain the expression: "This does not bode well."
A. It means that something is not boding the way it should. It could be boding better.

Q. Please explain the correct usage of "exact same".
A. "Exact same" is a corpusular phrase that should be used only when something is exactly the same as something It is the opposite (or "antibody") of "a whole nother". Example: "This is the exact same restaurant where Alma found weevils in her pie. They gave her a whole nother slice".

Q. Where should punctuation go?
A. It depends on the content.
Example: Hi Mr Johnson exclaimed Bob Where do you want me to put these punctuation marks Oh just stick them there at the end of the following sentence answered Mr Johnson OK said Bob ".!"."?"",,".."!".
The exception is teenagers, who should place a question mark after every few words to make sure people are still listening.
Example: "So there's this kid at school? Named Derrick? And he's like kind of weird? Like he has a picture of Newt Grinch carved in his hair? So one day he had to blow his nose? Like really bad? But he didnt have a tissue? So he was like sitting next to Tracy Steakle? And she had this sweater? By like Ralph Lauren? So Derrick takes the sleeve? And he like..."

Repeat Champions League Final

Its Sunday. I feel like playing soccer. I remember when Chiat was my housemate we would play every sunday without fail. Even during exams. As a strange form of relaxation. HAHA. Even when no one else played we would go to the field and juggle the ball (i tried and usually failed) or do drills. Yes, we were mad. Are mad. Everyone coming out of studying from the various libraries thought us mad too. I miss that stupid bugger. He probably wont read this, so i am safe. Or he will so kill me for acting faggoty.
So for all the times he let me practice my wayward first-time cross-field pass and had to run all over the place to collect the ball, heres hoping Milan beats liverpool on wed. Someone once said i look like Inzaghi. He might be blind, but i am not. Chiat looks like a thai construction worker. But he plays like Gattuso. And we all know Gattuso is going to win the game by scoring a goal. =)

THEREBY BEING EQUIVALENT TO LUDICROUS

They are so alike, she thought to herself. Not just in their serious, probing and earnest way of looking at people and the little- to- nil hand gesturing that many people were prone to do whilst talking. Those can be mutually adopted. They even share the same small eyes, aquiline nose, strawberry blond hair, medium tanned skin and raspy voice. The only difference was in the dressing. But of course, the rest of it was unbelievable. They could be siblings, even twins.

“They tested before getting married.” Monique the secretary had sidled up to her, and with the equivalent of a blink, had slinked off. There must be a reason that secretaries have the word “secret” in them. They have a way of knowing things first. Or maybe it’s because of their corresponding capacity to read minds. And their way of managing secrets- both inborn and exquisite. The whole world gets told in good fashion and no one or everyone gets hurt. There’s no in-between there or there is no point to telling it out.

It’s usual when couples laugh it off when people tell them how much they are growing to look like each other. And with a secret side-glance and an “Oh my goodness. Do I really…? I mean, have I really…?” This couple has taken a step towards commitment with a little more intensity, it seems.

People had laughed at them when they disclosed the idea. "Ludicrous" they had called it. They did'nt think so. It paid well for a start. And they needed to take their relationship to the next level.
"What so ridiculous about swapping faces" was their favourite one-liner in conversations now. "We already looked the same to begin with". It cracked them up. But the joke was lost on others. Somehow people did not understand. It was a farcical new idea you had to admit. But new-fangled technology needed a face; mind the pun.
"INTERCHAGABLE FACES"! Science fiction at its very best. They loved the idea. They could be the first truly androgynous couple in the whole of history. Who cared about being absurd if you could be famous at the same time? People thought the real sheep-dog was a travesty then, but now? It was a best seller. Everybody wanted one. That wasn't palatable to them though, they felt the cross between sheep and dog was just plain ugly. How about that virtual food thing? People said it wouldnt work hey? Apparently its now proven that you can trick your mind to fool your tastebuds.
Preposterous excuses? Maybe, but they were excited. Everyday they could take off their faces like masks and exchange them. Imagine all the pranks you could do on your colleagues and relatives. Not to mention how romantic it was. "Hey Jane, you are so pretty, i just have to look like you today." "Sure Tarzan, can i just kiss you as myself first?"

Sorry for taking so long. But essay writing is not conducive to creative writing.

LFJ57L906KALF28650HOLALQRO3487590 -- this is a password, copy it down.

Sorry for taking so long with the story continuation but been kind of tied up with medical issues lately. No need for everyone to know. If you really want to, pls memorise the password in the title and then recite it to me when you see me. With that you will get the full longwinded story. Some parts of which may be embellished and many others made up.

Anyway, i was just thinking about the truth that everyone knows about me. I love soccer. And soccer-watching. In fact, i am very certain i will rather go 40 days without food then without soccer. I think i should study this disorder. I need to treat myself. Every season before the new English Premiere League season starts, millions of fans will update themselves everyday on who is going to which club and for how much money. My mum always said that if i could remember my textbooks like i could all the useless soccer facts, i would do really well in studies. She is wrong. If i could do that i would be a geek. And i am a soccer fan. But nowadays modern football sites have areas where you can speak your own views, and there are scores of people fantazising about who their club should buy, and which useless player the club shouldnt play in the new season. Its called addiction? Now i know why i feel compelled to study psychology.

Oh by the way, Nani and Etoo is scary, please dont let Man Utd buy both of them. Erikkson is a terrible manager, give Allardyce a chance. Manuel Fernandes is good, Everton would be foolish not to splash the cash on him. And Owen is so injury prone, no one should even consider wasting money on him. Who in the world is Caricciollo? No one can spell his name anyway. West Ham should relegate then the whole world can scramble for Tevez again. And be deducted points in the process. What was this paragraph supposed to be about again?

Disclaimer

My modem fried itself. Actually it was more of froze. Thats what the technician with a heavy Indian accent said. " Sometimes this model has a tendency to lock up, and you can only unlock it with multiple factory resets". Define 'multiple'. 8? 29? 73,000?
Thus, after 8500 resets, i gave up and decided to order a new modem online with Charles. Thanks to Marianne for lending us her internet. Not that we like her very much. Just that her house is the nearest.
However, this online shop also has a problem with numbers. '1 day to arrive', they said. Its been 3. Maybe we have to wait 73,000 years.
In the meantime, me and Louise have decided to write another joint essay. Flip the dictionary for a word, check the thesaurus and use the word 4 times with the same meaning. She got "equivalent" and i got "ludicrous". Fortunately she went first this time. If i had to start i would probably write this: "The Modern Day concept of time & numbers is becoming ludicrous, ridiculous, absurd, comical, farcical, laughable, preposterous, risible, dumb, idiotic and silly. Only supposed to use it 4 times?Sorry, can't you count?

More combination writing...

Introduction: I start a story of “equivalence” or if you choose to be pedantic, “equivalent”. What is equivalent to equivalent? What is equivalent to “ludicrous”. A laughable word play or can we manage to spin a yarn? This is our aim in the short tale:

THEREBY BEING EQUIVALENT TO LUDICROUS

They are so alike, she thought to herself. Not just in their serious, probing and earnest way of looking at people and the little- to- nil hand gesturing that many people were prone to do whilst talking. Those can be mutually adopted. They even share the same small eyes, aquiline nose, strawberry blond hair, medium tanned skin and raspy voice. The only difference was in the dressing. But of course, the rest of it was unbelievable. They could be siblings, even twins.

“They tested before getting married.” Monique the secretary had sidled up to her, and with the equivalent of a blink, had slinked off. There must be a reason that secretaries have the word “secret” in them. They have a way of knowing things first. Or maybe it’s because of their corresponding capacity to read minds. And their way of managing secrets- both inborn and exquisite. The whole world gets told in good fashion and no one or everyone gets hurt. There’s no in-between there or there is no point to telling it out.

It’s usual when couples laugh it off when people tell them how much they are growing to look like each other. And with a secret side-glance and an “Oh my goodness. Do I really…? I mean, have I really…?” This couple has taken a step towards commitment with a little more intensity, it seems.

To be Continued by Abel…